The most honest moments of my life lately keep reflecting on the same point; “God, how can this be good?” I end up a lot like Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty. I think I am more equipped, I better understand the situation, and, quite frankly, this just sucks, and He promised good.
My heart bleeds from dreams that are lost even as friends send me verses from Psalm 37.
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart”
Psalm 37:4, ESV
What’s my desire, God? To have children. It’s a good desire! It’s a reasonable desire. I’m not asking to be the wisest or the most powerful or the wealthiest. I simply want to raise a new generation for You. But yet, it escapes me. As the wombs of women, who turn quickly to pills and doctors to empty them, are filled with life, mine remains constantly barren. I struggle to see the goodness in this.
Is this what Eve wondered as the serpent tempted her? Did she question the goodness of God and the truthfulness of His words? Is this curse-shattered life embedded with her skepticism?
I grew up in the single most sarcastic family in America. I would say we also hold the title for the top spot in the world but based on a few BBC shows, I imagine there are a few British families who could give us a run for our money. This atmosphere has given me a general distrust for people. I always assumed that they are joking and sometimes I wait for a follow-up punchline.
When my husband walked in the door last night, over an hour late, I assumed he was no longer interested in joining me at the farmer’s market. In fact, I had already eaten dinner and was ready to walk out the door. He rushed into the kitchen and started scarfing down the soup and the bread that awaited him. I asked if he still wanted to go and when he eagerly replied that he was looking forward to it, I rolled my eyes, sighed, and said it was fine, that I would go alone. He was being genuine. I doubted his goodness.
Do I unreasonably doubt the goodness of my God? Do I imagine Him watching me, laughing at my pain, prepping His punchline?
I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing;
in pain you shall bring forth children.
He warned us. My dream, the babies? He said it would be painful. But does painful mean this isn’t good?
For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things unseen are eternal.
2 Corinthians 4: 17-18
Is that the secret? Does my heart keep pressing on even when it hurts? This world is tearing my heart apart but I trust, God is good. He is preparing me for glory. I don’t know if God caused my infertility, but I do know He controls it. And I know that it is not purposeless. I know that it too has been redeemed by Christ. And I know that I am being transformed.
“I ended my first book with the words ‘no answer.’ I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?” -Till We Have Faces, CS Lewis