I’ve Lost Control

I have always sought for control in my life. I am one of the Type-A crazy people who like to have every duck in a row. The running joke is that I completely give up on anything that I cannot perfect. It’s more true than I would like to admit.

Doctors can fix many problems. In the last hundred years, we’ve eradicated diseases, increased our ability to treat symptoms, and developed many new surgical techniques. But there is still so much medicine cannot explain.

I have spent much of my free time in the last year researching the possible cause of the pain I experience because the doctors simply can’t understand and, much like I do, shy away from searching too hard. I have had a handful of wonderful doctors but I have had many doctors who are reluctant to even consider testing me for anything because it is too rare and untreatable to test. So we stop.

When I first went to the doctor and started the process of fertility testing, I had a deeply rooted understanding that likely, the results would be bad. Many people tried to dissuade my fears and told me that it was unnecessary to worry, but I knew deep in my gut that the life I so desperately sought was being withheld completely. The fear of not being able to control the outcome made me want to stop altogether and find a new plan, one with a predictable outcome. Because it hurts to admit brokenness and uncertainty, you don’t know when it will go away. It’s easy to avoid the pain.

It broke my heart to admit that I needed to give my pain over to God, and walk through this season, trusting Him with the outcome. Praying for big things stings deeply. When I cry out to God and ask for miracles, babies, healing, it stings deeply because I am reminded month after month that He remains silent.

During this season of pain, my prayer is that the pain will be redeemed. I don’t know if it will be redeemed through the miracle of healing or through the miracle of the Holy Spirit working powerfully in my heart or another’s, but I trust that somehow, even this mess will be redeemed and that glory will triumph.

I cannot control whether or not I am broken. I have tried desperately to build my life in such a way that I can avoid pain. But like the older brother, I sit and watch the prodigal son return and receive from the Father things I thought I deserved. No matter what steps you take or how careful you are, breaking is out of your hands. I can’t control that. I could sit outside, angry that the Father gives His grace freely to all, or I could offer up the broken pieces of my heart to Him, trusting in His goodness.


So last night, I went out and imprinted my body with a lotus, a symbol of what I hope this season will become. The swamp of life is leaving me marked and dirty. I cannot see how beauty could possibly grow in such a place but amazing grace can do amazing things. So I sit here, hoping and praying, that glory will rise and bring a place to focus in the midst of this murk.

Resilience. That’s what my friend and I told the tattoo artist when he asked why we were getting tattoos. We were reminding ourselves that we were resilient, that grace was sufficient. That in these moments of confusion and weakness, there is a shinning beacon of hope. We don’t need to have control because our God is in control. These hiccups and heartaches were not a surprise to Him, even if we are alarmed and despairing, for He has already seen the end.

Our fears, they will be stripped away and our tears will be dried. On that day, we will smile and say, “Look at the great thing He has done. It is better than I ever planned.”

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  1. “Resilience. That’s what my friend and I told the tattoo artist when he asked why we were getting tattoos. We were reminding ourselves that we were resilient, that grace was sufficient. That in these moments of confusion and weakness, there is a shinning beacon of hope. We don’t need to have control because our God is in control.”

    And that my friend is your answer… Beautiful post. Have faith. You are growing like never before and finding your purpose. xoxo~D
    Be You and Thrive

  2. What a gorgeous tattoo! I tend to give up too, when something isn’t as easy or successful as I’d like. I really hope your fertility journey yields good results. Giving it up to God is probably the best thing you can do! Good luck friend!

    • I am very pleased with how it turned out. God is good and I know my journey will be full of beauty.

  3. This was saddening but absolutely beautiful to read. I am the same way about giving up on things. It sucks, but at least we can admit it. And that is an awesome tattoo! 🙂 I hope you have all your prayers answered in the happiest way possible.

  4. Beautiful words spoken from the heart are rare on the internet; thank you for baring your soul to strangers and may your tattoo ever be a source of strength.

  5. Control is one of the things many human beings use to feel safe. If you can control what is going on around you, then you have nothing to fear. It absolves us of faith. Giving it up is hard and emotional in itself. It is trying. You are doing a wonderful job managing it day by day. Hold strong

  6. omg! I have a lotus flower tattoo as well!!! I got it to honor sylvia plath (the quote on her tombstone is about a lotus flower) and also to help me remember my strength. I am in recovery from schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and like a lotus, I feel like God has helped me bloom out of the mud.

  7. What a powerful post. I hope that you do see an end ot the painful season in your life and you’re able to look back and see God’s glory at work in it. It’s so hard in our trials as we can’t see His plans and ‘just wait’ often sounds like silence from God. But we can trust in Him and know that He has something wonderful in mind.

  8. What a perfect idea for a tattoo. A lotus – Just like the lotus we too have the ability to rise from the mud, bloom out of the darkness and radiate into the world. Good luck on your journey.

  9. I too got a tattoo when going through infertility. It just felt like such a big part of my life at the time, that I needed to place a permanent reminder and I’m so glad I did it. I placed the Hebrew word for faith on my right wrist and every time I saw it, it was a reminder that God had it all in His hands. Many years later and three precious miracles later, I still love that I got it.

    PS-Going to drop the link for the hardest post I’ve ever written below. On one of your hard days, please take a moment to read it as it is proof that God can do the impossible. Agh, the tears are coming on, but felt I needed to share <3 Grab a tissue beforehand!

    • Ashley, This touched my heart so deeply. That is such a meaningful tattoo and a beautiful reminder of who IS in control.

    • Thank you, Paula. We Type-A people have a hard time giving it up but it’s so good to rely on God as the only one truly in control

  10. Your words are so beautiful. Thank you for your transparency. It was both sad and beautiful – overall it was encouraging to see you still choose God, even when you know the answer may not be what you’ve dreamt of all your life. I pray for your fertility journey. I will never forget handing over my desire for a second child to the Lord. It took me over 3 years to actually do it. I was terrified he would say no…so I kept trying to take back control. Good luck to you!

    • Jessica, That is so encouraging to hear that the Lord answered your prayer. I’m still not sure how He will answer mine but I am more confident than when I wrote this that His plans are good.

  11. Your tattoo is so beautiful and I love the meaning behind it. I’m in a place where I thought I was about to get something I’ve always dreamt of, and that was taken away. I don’t know why, but it’s been hard to see others who are younger than me and haven’t put in as much effort as I have for it yet, get what I want so much and was so close to getting. It also feels like God is silent right now. But even as i type that I can think of little things where I know He was at work, so I guess not completely silent. It’s hard to go through.

    • It is so special to me. Watching others receive (before they even know they want it) what you’re working so hard for is heartbreaking. I just keep remembering King David in Saul’s court, playing the harp. He’d already been anointed as God’s chosen king but was playing the harp for years in the court of a man who would throw spears at him! I can only imagine how he felt. But I’m also sure that God prepared Him to rule during this humble times.

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