This is the article I never wanted to write. I dreamed of an announcement with a little miracle baby onesie, I dreamed of twin pregnancies that would have given old ladies in church cause to laugh and warn me of the “double trouble” coming my way. Instead, my announcement is sharing that, while we are not parents of children we were able to hold in our arms, we are parents of four beautiful babies in heaven. Babies who were made in the Image of God and babies whose lives mattered deeply to us and to their Maker.
Here is my letter, my hello, goodbye, and expression of a mother’s love, to them.
My Dear, Precious Little Babies in Heaven,
I have dreamed about you all my life. A part of you, I have carried inside of me since I was born. I carried you through all the little years I spent playing dress-up and carting my little baby dolls around in their carriers. I carried you through high school, I watched others’ babies and dreamed of the day I’d hold my own. I carried you until last week when the doctor retrieved that part of you from me and the embryologist joined God in the mystical, beautiful work of fusing two together into a beautiful new life.
Then they called and told me there were four of you and I had no idea how it would feel to carry you in my heart without carrying you in my body.
I was terrified. I knew a lot of big, frightening, perilous steps lay ahead for you and I wanted to do everything I could to fix things perfectly.
But I was no longer carrying you and there was nothing I could do.
My friend reminded me that while I couldn’t control anything, I could rejoice that four little lives were created that would have never been otherwise. So rejoice I did for every minute of your lives.My friend reminded me that while I couldn’t control anything, I could rejoice that four little lives were created that would have never been otherwise. So rejoice I did for every minute of your lives. #miscarriage #infertility… Click To Tweet
Your aunt and I cried because neither of us was prepared for how much we would love you and, oh, did we love you. I wondered whose eyes each of you would have and what sort of people you would become.
I went out on a celebratory shopping trip and bought a little, tiny newborn gown, covered in pineapples. Even with the fear, I knew I wanted something to hold tight and remember you by. And my little babies, I covered your little lives with so much prayer.
I prayed for your little forms, that they would grow strong. I dreamt of the men and women God would raise you up to be and prayed that your little lives would bring glory and honor to Him for every second you were on the earth. I praised God for the gift that you were and prayed that I would be wise in the days to come.
When the doctor pulled two of you up on the screen, the day of the transfer, I cried again. You were so beautiful. I never knew it was possible for little six and four cell beings to grip my heart so deeply. Up until this point in the process, people spoke of you in very scientific terms that felt very distant but there you were, my little babies, filling my heart.
You filled my heart because your lives, no matter how short-lived, matter deeply.
Your little lives have been a sign of our God’s mercy in making me a mother even if I never got to hold you in my arms. As I watched that screen and saw the doctor move your little, indescribably tiny bodies into the transfer catheter, all I could think was that I was witnessing the image of God in four little cells.Your little lives have been a sign of our God’s mercy in making me a mother even if I never got to hold you in my arms. #infertility #miscarriage Click To Tweet
Because even then, my little ones, He had marked you as His.
I cried yesterday when the doctor called and said that the other two of you, the ones I hadn’t seen, had passed before your heart even took a beat. I cried especially because I never even had the opportunity to see you.
A friend reached out, praising God for your little lives, and reminding me of the unspeakable joy that will be mine when the first time I behold you, my two little babies, will be in heaven. While I still grieve for you, I smile knowing that you are God’s and that He is holding you for me, loving us both, even now. His goodness and love were with you, even in that doctor’s office, for every day of your lives. And that same goodness pursues my heart even now.
When I heard, my little ones, that all of you had gone to be with your Maker, the world went dark.
And I cried. But even then, I praised your Maker.
I praised Him because even in this mess, I know He is good. I know He loves you even more than I do and I know that nothing He does is in vain. Your little lives were gifts from Him. No matter how short the time was, I’m grateful for that gift.Your little lives were gifts from Him. No matter how short the time was, I’m grateful for that gift. #miscarriage #pregnancyloss #infertility Click To Tweet
I will love you forever and cherish every moment that you made me a mommy. Because you, my little ones, you were created by your Heavenly Father. Your days, though they were few, were filled with divine purpose. And even your lives mattered.