Humbled and Brought Low

We packed up and made that 14 hour trek across land and ocean to the place that military has told us to call home. Some family members cried when we said goodbye. My little sister, still unconvinced that I was her sister and not, in fact, a babysitter, glared at me and refused to even hug me. That hurt.

Upon arriving home, we water coming through our floors and walls and yes, mold. My dear husband decided to take both of our dogs with him on a run. Our golden retriever is now limping. I got to work, fearing what may have accumulated during my trip, to find broken glass on my desk.

When I got home from work and started working on the mold, I picked up  the phone to return a call from a dear friend I’d been playing phone tag with. I quickly filled her in on the eventful day I’d had and when I asked what the story was she’d mentioned earlier she told me that she was so sorry and felt guilty telling me but that she was unexpectedly pregnant.

All of the air was stripped from my lungs. Immediately and I began to mentally repeat my mantra: “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” I congratulated her and asked a few polite questions. She eagerly poured out details about the new life inside of her. My husband walked in the door from work and in seeing my face and hearing something about morning sickness, immediately pointed to her wedding invitation which was still on our fridge. I nodded. Within seconds of wishing her my best and hanging up the phone, tears poured down my face.

It was a new low for me. I have dreaded the day I would hear it from someone close, someone who knew the pain. This friend knew. She apologized before she even got out the word “pregnant” and that apology stabbed my heart… only slightly less than the word that followed.  It’s one thing to envy an acquaintance or a stranger, it’s another to beg God for an answer as to why your friend, who was actively trying to avoid a baby, is blessed with one when you don’t.

Is this how Rachel felt? Watching a stranger is separate, removed. Watching a sister is taking part of that journey yourself but yet, being held back. “Give me children or I shall die!” But like Rachel, will it never be enough? Will one come to be greeted with a desire for another? To envy a stranger is different, to envy a sister shows the depth of our depravity. Oh God, what a wicked person am I that I can rejoice with a stranger, but envy my sister.

This is just where I am. In a place where I try to hold joy and sorrow, but often I fail.

These are the days when I struggle to get through the motions. But God meets me here. And day by day, manna is provided. So tonight I lay in bed, wondering if I will have the strength for tomorrow. Trusting in God, begging Him to provide. And here He meets me.