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The Thin Place

Admitting You Need Help

I am weary.

Well, technically, I’m depressed but that causes weariness. Or is it weariness that causes depression?

I’m inclined to believe it’s a chicken and egg argument.

Admitting that I was suffering from, and needed help with, depression has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life.

This year has been the hardest of my life. I started out with such fervor. Hubby and I were slightly discouraged we hadn’t seen two pink lines appear yet but our hope stood firm that we would see though lines soon.

Then the storm hit.

A terrible training accident, a widowed friend, another friend burying her son. It was too much to bear. When Hubby left in February for his deployment, my heart was weak with the weight of this world.

I hadn’t been feeling well but, remarkably, the doctors could get me in quickly. A silver lining.

I didn’t know that that would be the last piece of good news I received in awhile. The doctors put me on an oral contraceptive to try to help with my pain but, not only did it increase the pain, it broke me.

I became a shell of the person I remember. Aside from the constant hunger (I’m talking waking up in the middle of the night stomach growling), the weight of all of the terrible grief of the world seemed to land on my soul at once. I cried several times a day, I struggled to find purpose, my typical delights bored me at best, and God felt… well, not there. It was a dark time and I have yet to find my way out of that forrest.

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Bravery is something I aspire to. I dream of leaping over stereotypes and destroying stigmas. There are days I have been very brave.

I remember my hand shaking when I called the counselors office to make a consultation. I felt like a failure, but I picked up the phone. My teenage sister was visiting when I left for my first appointment. She asked where I was going and, in a move of courage and a desire that she never feel the stigma I felt, I explained very rationally that I was going to see a counselor because I was depressed, that it was very normal to feel depressed, and that most of my pain treatment remedies listed depression as a side-effect.

After a few months of talk therapy, I was fighting hard. I have had some high days and have developed an interest in liturgical worship, but I have crashed into some incredibly low days. Days where nothing appeals to me except crying on my bed. Over what I’m not quite sure but I’m vaguely confident it has to do with the state of the world.  Most days, I just felt weary and disengaged.

Today, today was a big day. It was a hard day. I met with my doctor to discuss starting an antidepressant medication.

I wanted to cancel the appointment a thousand times today. I kept having to talk myself through the reasons I was seeking help.I confided in a friend and finally, left for my appointment. They were running behind so I sat in the lobby alone for almost an hour waiting.

I held back tears through most of my appointment. The nurse was clearly having a bad day and that was a bit more than I wanted to deal with. But when the doctor came in, she was incredibly compassionate. She talked through a recommended course of action thoroughly and asked if I had any questions. She didn’t make me feel foolish or insecure. She wanted to help me.

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Tonight, I am resting in satisfaction that I am making the right choice for my body and mind. I am choosing healing. I am yet again handing myself over to God asking Him to remove this cup but ultimately, praising Him for the sufficiency of grace.

When Jacob wrestled God, what did his heart say? My heart is crying and my body is weary with wrestling. I’m waiting for the blessing and the new, strengthened identify that follows. These days are long but I can feel the time moving around me, relentlessly pressing forward with or without my approval.

I wish I could regain this time. That my husband’s could have come home from his deployment to the arms of a wife who was healthy and well. That my year could have been spent knocking things off my bucket list – making trips around the islands, visiting friends, enjoying my life. Instead, these days have been marked by suffering and it will forever leave a scar on our lives.

I pray that one day, the bravery that told my sister it was okay to need help, okay to not be okay, will look at my scars and realize that it’s okay to have your life marked by suffering. That it will remind me that our Lord was known as a “Man of Sorrows” but that God’s hand was in every, single moment of that sorrow. That my God is in the business of turning ashes to beauty.

These are the truths I know to be true, even as I struggle to believe.

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, because the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he may be glorified. – Isaiah 61, ESV

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The Comments

  • Jasmine Eclipse
    June 21, 2017

    I went through something very similar to this these past few months. I moved from Hawaii (ironically enough!), to DC, to Canada and it’s been really rough on me because I’ve been without my family for 2 years, and there’s been so much change and I’ve felt inadequate and unsure of what I’m doing, etc., so I have struggled a lot with depression and anxiety for the first time in my life. Only recently was I able to come out of it, lean on God, and see the bigger, brighter picture and appreciate life for all it is. Thank you for writing this blog, it feels good to be able to relate to someone! I hope you’re well.

    Reply
    • Bailey
      Jasmine Eclipse
      June 21, 2017

      Jasmine, it sounds like we’ve gone through lots of similar events. Thank you for sharing. You have no idea what an encouragement it was for me to hear this.

      Reply
  • Sara Lewis
    August 30, 2017

    I’ve been off and on meds the past decade and probably need to make that appointment again. Why is making that call so difficult?

    Reply
    • Bailey
      Sara Lewis
      August 31, 2017

      It is such a hard call to make. So, so grateful I did.

      Reply
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Hello, I’m Bailey
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Hello, I’m Bailey

The Thin Place was born out of a season of struggle. A season where I felt stretched thin and desperately longed to see the goodness of God in the land of the living. The goodness of God showed up in unexpected ways. During that season, the spiritual disciplines laid out in Scripture, the traditions of the Church, and the reminders of His faithfulness seen in liturgial living and the feasts and seasons of the Church calendar all opened my eyes to the hope we have in Christ.

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Until I read the entire Bible last year for the Bible in Lent challenge, I had never read most of the Deuterocanonical / Apocryphal books of the Bible. When I did this, I realized that, aside from a vague notion of Maccabees from Hanukkah books, I had absolutely no idea what the rest of the books contained.
For the next few days, we're going to do a little overview of each of these books in the Bible.
But first, why aren't these books in the Protestant Bible?
Like most of the divides in the Catholic and Protestant conversation, there is a lot of nuances. Luther’s own translation of the Bible included these books although he moved them to a separate section. They were also included in the King James Bible of 1611 and the Geneva Bible even though they were viewed as apocryphal or “outside of Scripture.” It was not standard even in Protestantism to exclude these books from the Bible printing until 1825. 
Essentially, there is a lot of historical evidence that the church throughout history considered these books a part of the Bible. But earlier in the Church, we see evidence of Church leaders such as St. Polycarp, St. Clement of Rome, Origen, St. Athanasius, St. Jerome, and St. Augustine,  affirming some or all of these books as Scripture.
It's clear that historically, believers have seen these books as beneficial so I hope you'll join me in looking at them this week!
#godsword #jesusislife #dailydevotion #shedelights #graceupongrace #godisfaithful #lordjesus #blessedisshe #biblestudy #trustinhim #catholicism #bible #jesuslove #christianposts #readyourbible #bibledaily #intheword #wordbeforeworld #bibleversedaily #gracemakers #christianwomenleaders #bibletruth #jesusisthereasonfortheseason #godlovesyou #prayerchangesthings #dailybibleverse #seekhim
thethinplace
thethinplace
•
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Until I read the entire Bible last year for the Bible in Lent challenge, I had never read most of the Deuterocanonical / Apocryphal books of the Bible. When I did this, I realized that, aside from a vague notion of Maccabees from Hanukkah books, I had absolutely no idea what the rest of the books contained. For the next few days, we're going to do a little overview of each of these books in the Bible. But first, why aren't these books in the Protestant Bible? Like most of the divides in the Catholic and Protestant conversation, there is a lot of nuances. Luther’s own translation of the Bible included these books although he moved them to a separate section. They were also included in the King James Bible of 1611 and the Geneva Bible even though they were viewed as apocryphal or “outside of Scripture.” It was not standard even in Protestantism to exclude these books from the Bible printing until 1825. Essentially, there is a lot of historical evidence that the church throughout history considered these books a part of the Bible. But earlier in the Church, we see evidence of Church leaders such as St. Polycarp, St. Clement of Rome, Origen, St. Athanasius, St. Jerome, and St. Augustine, affirming some or all of these books as Scripture. It's clear that historically, believers have seen these books as beneficial so I hope you'll join me in looking at them this week! #godsword #jesusislife #dailydevotion #shedelights #graceupongrace #godisfaithful #lordjesus #blessedisshe #biblestudy #trustinhim #catholicism #bible #jesuslove #christianposts #readyourbible #bibledaily #intheword #wordbeforeworld #bibleversedaily #gracemakers #christianwomenleaders #bibletruth #jesusisthereasonfortheseason #godlovesyou #prayerchangesthings #dailybibleverse #seekhim
2 days ago
View on Instagram |
1/5
I used to think that one day, the glory of the Lord, our relationship with Him in Heaven, would be so great that we wouldn’t care about the wretched pain that sin brought into our earthly lives. But that answer never quite satisfied. 
I realize now that God is not in the business of sweeping things under the rug. There isn’t going to be some cosmic brainwashing where we all wake up one day pretending the pain was never there. Redemption, transformation, and revival is what our God is about.
Christ’s dead body lying in the grave and being raised to life, still bearing the wounds of His crucifixion, that is our hope. Not that the bad things will be ignored, but that even the most egregious acts we can commit, crucifying our God, can be turned into the means of our redemption. All that was meant for evil will be purposed to the good of the Lord, not ignored by Him.
There is not going to be a cosmic gaslighting, the wounds that Thomas felt testify to this. There will be a cosmic resurrection where things that felt too awful to even think about will be redeemed and transformed by the glorious love and majesty of our Lord.
And one day we will look and say, He has done great things. And will know in our bones that it is truly true.
#godsword #jesusislife #dailydevotion #shedelights #graceupongrace #godisfaithful #lordjesus #blessedisshe #biblestudy #trustinhim #catholicism #bible #jesuslove #christianposts #readyourbible #bibledaily #intheword #wordbeforeworld #bibleversedaily #gracemakers #christianwomenleaders #bibletruth #jesusisthereasonfortheseason #godlovesyou #prayerchangesthings #dailybibleverse #seekhim
I used to think that one day, the glory of the Lord, our relationship with Him in Heaven, would be so great that we wouldn’t care about the wretched pain that sin brought into our earthly lives. But that answer never quite satisfied. 
I realize now that God is not in the business of sweeping things under the rug. There isn’t going to be some cosmic brainwashing where we all wake up one day pretending the pain was never there. Redemption, transformation, and revival is what our God is about.
Christ’s dead body lying in the grave and being raised to life, still bearing the wounds of His crucifixion, that is our hope. Not that the bad things will be ignored, but that even the most egregious acts we can commit, crucifying our God, can be turned into the means of our redemption. All that was meant for evil will be purposed to the good of the Lord, not ignored by Him.
There is not going to be a cosmic gaslighting, the wounds that Thomas felt testify to this. There will be a cosmic resurrection where things that felt too awful to even think about will be redeemed and transformed by the glorious love and majesty of our Lord.
And one day we will look and say, He has done great things. And will know in our bones that it is truly true.
#godsword #jesusislife #dailydevotion #shedelights #graceupongrace #godisfaithful #lordjesus #blessedisshe #biblestudy #trustinhim #catholicism #bible #jesuslove #christianposts #readyourbible #bibledaily #intheword #wordbeforeworld #bibleversedaily #gracemakers #christianwomenleaders #bibletruth #jesusisthereasonfortheseason #godlovesyou #prayerchangesthings #dailybibleverse #seekhim
I used to think that one day, the glory of the Lord, our relationship with Him in Heaven, would be so great that we wouldn’t care about the wretched pain that sin brought into our earthly lives. But that answer never quite satisfied. 
I realize now that God is not in the business of sweeping things under the rug. There isn’t going to be some cosmic brainwashing where we all wake up one day pretending the pain was never there. Redemption, transformation, and revival is what our God is about.
Christ’s dead body lying in the grave and being raised to life, still bearing the wounds of His crucifixion, that is our hope. Not that the bad things will be ignored, but that even the most egregious acts we can commit, crucifying our God, can be turned into the means of our redemption. All that was meant for evil will be purposed to the good of the Lord, not ignored by Him.
There is not going to be a cosmic gaslighting, the wounds that Thomas felt testify to this. There will be a cosmic resurrection where things that felt too awful to even think about will be redeemed and transformed by the glorious love and majesty of our Lord.
And one day we will look and say, He has done great things. And will know in our bones that it is truly true.
#godsword #jesusislife #dailydevotion #shedelights #graceupongrace #godisfaithful #lordjesus #blessedisshe #biblestudy #trustinhim #catholicism #bible #jesuslove #christianposts #readyourbible #bibledaily #intheword #wordbeforeworld #bibleversedaily #gracemakers #christianwomenleaders #bibletruth #jesusisthereasonfortheseason #godlovesyou #prayerchangesthings #dailybibleverse #seekhim
thethinplace
thethinplace
•
Follow
I used to think that one day, the glory of the Lord, our relationship with Him in Heaven, would be so great that we wouldn’t care about the wretched pain that sin brought into our earthly lives. But that answer never quite satisfied. I realize now that God is not in the business of sweeping things under the rug. There isn’t going to be some cosmic brainwashing where we all wake up one day pretending the pain was never there. Redemption, transformation, and revival is what our God is about. Christ’s dead body lying in the grave and being raised to life, still bearing the wounds of His crucifixion, that is our hope. Not that the bad things will be ignored, but that even the most egregious acts we can commit, crucifying our God, can be turned into the means of our redemption. All that was meant for evil will be purposed to the good of the Lord, not ignored by Him. There is not going to be a cosmic gaslighting, the wounds that Thomas felt testify to this. There will be a cosmic resurrection where things that felt too awful to even think about will be redeemed and transformed by the glorious love and majesty of our Lord. And one day we will look and say, He has done great things. And will know in our bones that it is truly true. #godsword #jesusislife #dailydevotion #shedelights #graceupongrace #godisfaithful #lordjesus #blessedisshe #biblestudy #trustinhim #catholicism #bible #jesuslove #christianposts #readyourbible #bibledaily #intheword #wordbeforeworld #bibleversedaily #gracemakers #christianwomenleaders #bibletruth #jesusisthereasonfortheseason #godlovesyou #prayerchangesthings #dailybibleverse #seekhim
2 weeks ago
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2/5
I've been thinking a lot these last few months about the Prodigal Son, the in-between parts of the story that don't make the highlight reel.
Did he slip out wordlessly or was there fanfare as his leaving? Did his father cry or was he numb to the pain? 
We know the ending, we know the joyous celebration upon the son’s return, but how many moments in the in-between are we missing. The celebrations with one less seat at the table. Nights spend wondering if and where and how he was surviving.
There’s so much to unpack that we just tie up neatly with the “and he came home and all was well” bow at the end of the story. The end of the story is what endures, but the rest of the story is not insignificant. Without it, the end it confusing at best and meaningless at worst.
I used to think that one day, the glory of the Lord, our relationship with Him in Heaven, would be so great that we wouldn’t care about the wretched pain that sin brought into our earthly lives. 
But that answer never quite satisfied. 
I realize now that God is not in the business of sweeping things under the rug. There isn’t going to be some cosmic brainwashing where we all wake up one day pretending the pain was never there. Redemption, transformation, and revival is what our God is about.
Christ’s dead body lying in the grave and being raised to life, still bearing the wounds of His crucifixion, that is our hope. Not that the bad things will be ignored, but that even the most egregious acts we can commit, crucifying our God, can be turned into the means of our redemption. All that was meant for evil will be purposed to the good of the Lord, not ignored by Him.
There is not going to be a cosmic gaslighting, the wounds that Thomas felt testify to this. There will be a cosmic resurrection where things that felt too awful to even think about will be redeemed and transformed by the glorious love and majesty of our Lord.
And one day we will look and say, He has done great things. And will know in our bones that it is truly true.
#christianwoman  #jesusgirl #inspiredfaith #Catholicconvert #chasingsacred #bibleverse #biblestudy  #christianblogger #faithinhim #proverbs31woman #prodigalson
thethinplace
thethinplace
•
Follow
I've been thinking a lot these last few months about the Prodigal Son, the in-between parts of the story that don't make the highlight reel. Did he slip out wordlessly or was there fanfare as his leaving? Did his father cry or was he numb to the pain? We know the ending, we know the joyous celebration upon the son’s return, but how many moments in the in-between are we missing. The celebrations with one less seat at the table. Nights spend wondering if and where and how he was surviving. There’s so much to unpack that we just tie up neatly with the “and he came home and all was well” bow at the end of the story. The end of the story is what endures, but the rest of the story is not insignificant. Without it, the end it confusing at best and meaningless at worst. I used to think that one day, the glory of the Lord, our relationship with Him in Heaven, would be so great that we wouldn’t care about the wretched pain that sin brought into our earthly lives. But that answer never quite satisfied. I realize now that God is not in the business of sweeping things under the rug. There isn’t going to be some cosmic brainwashing where we all wake up one day pretending the pain was never there. Redemption, transformation, and revival is what our God is about. Christ’s dead body lying in the grave and being raised to life, still bearing the wounds of His crucifixion, that is our hope. Not that the bad things will be ignored, but that even the most egregious acts we can commit, crucifying our God, can be turned into the means of our redemption. All that was meant for evil will be purposed to the good of the Lord, not ignored by Him. There is not going to be a cosmic gaslighting, the wounds that Thomas felt testify to this. There will be a cosmic resurrection where things that felt too awful to even think about will be redeemed and transformed by the glorious love and majesty of our Lord. And one day we will look and say, He has done great things. And will know in our bones that it is truly true. #christianwoman #jesusgirl #inspiredfaith #Catholicconvert #chasingsacred #bibleverse #biblestudy #christianblogger #faithinhim #proverbs31woman #prodigalson
2 weeks ago
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3/5
This is a gut-check. A major gut-check. 
"Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." - James 1:27
Is that how I live my faith?
No. I can say without any hesitation, that I am not known for widow or orphan care. Even when I advocate for the vulnerable and marginalized, it is in a vague, general way. 
Not in a specific way. For specific people. Like the God who loves specifically me and not just a vague idea of a person. 
Lord, have mercy. Convict us and move us to action. Make us more like You.
#christianwoman #graceupongrace #jesusgirl #inspiredfaith #womenlivingwell #jesuscalling #faithfilledcaptions #catholicblogger #Catholicconvert #CatholicWoman #chasingsacred #christianwomenleaders #bibleverse #biblestudy  #christianblogger #faithinhim #proverbs31woman #faithful #Godisgood #encouragementgallery #godslove #christianposts #christianquote #prayer #prayertime #miblogger #michiganblogger
thethinplace
thethinplace
•
Follow
This is a gut-check. A major gut-check. "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world." - James 1:27 Is that how I live my faith? No. I can say without any hesitation, that I am not known for widow or orphan care. Even when I advocate for the vulnerable and marginalized, it is in a vague, general way. Not in a specific way. For specific people. Like the God who loves specifically me and not just a vague idea of a person. Lord, have mercy. Convict us and move us to action. Make us more like You. #christianwoman #graceupongrace #jesusgirl #inspiredfaith #womenlivingwell #jesuscalling #faithfilledcaptions #catholicblogger #Catholicconvert #CatholicWoman #chasingsacred #christianwomenleaders #bibleverse #biblestudy #christianblogger #faithinhim #proverbs31woman #faithful #Godisgood #encouragementgallery #godslove #christianposts #christianquote #prayer #prayertime #miblogger #michiganblogger
4 weeks ago
View on Instagram |
4/5
Too much of my life has been focused on God’s judgment, on trying to learn, trying to understand, trying to justify myself through knowledge and proper theology. Divine Mercy Sunday points me back to the lavish mercy of God. Mercy that is greater than my wildest dreams. Mercy beyond what my human mind can imagine. Mercy that is truly Divine.⁣
⁣
Read more on the mercy of God. Latest post on the blog. Link in Bio⁣
⁣
#christianblogger #givemejesus #christianliving #christianblog #graceupongrace #christianwomen #bedeeplyrooted #shereadstruth #lampandlight #womenintheword #proverbs31 #goodnewsfeed #soulscripts #christiancreative #womenoffaith #solovelysofree #lifelivedbeautifully #solovelysofree #belovedlife #jesussaves #soworthloving
thethinplace
thethinplace
•
Follow
Too much of my life has been focused on God’s judgment, on trying to learn, trying to understand, trying to justify myself through knowledge and proper theology. Divine Mercy Sunday points me back to the lavish mercy of God. Mercy that is greater than my wildest dreams. Mercy beyond what my human mind can imagine. Mercy that is truly Divine.⁣ ⁣ Read more on the mercy of God. Latest post on the blog. Link in Bio⁣ ⁣ #christianblogger #givemejesus #christianliving #christianblog #graceupongrace #christianwomen #bedeeplyrooted #shereadstruth #lampandlight #womenintheword #proverbs31 #goodnewsfeed #soulscripts #christiancreative #womenoffaith #solovelysofree #lifelivedbeautifully #solovelysofree #belovedlife #jesussaves #soworthloving
4 weeks ago
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5/5
@thethinplace
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