The other day, I raced down a path needing to see the sunrise. My head was spinning and life had become too much.
When you find out the IVF is your only option for having a child, it hurts deeply. The dreams you had, stripped away. The future, uncertain.
On top of that uncertainty, we are facing the uncertainty that comes with military life. Will he be deploying again? Will he come back from that deployment? When will we be moving? Where will we go? Are we even going to stay in the military? Our future is an endless number of combinations. Some, I welcome, others I dread.
The weight of the world often sits upon my shoulders. I blame my INFJ personality. I am quite determined to fix the world but when my own life feels like it’s unraveling, discouragement overwhelms me. My mother says I’m pessimistic, but everyone else seems entirely too happy about the state of things.
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” – Lamentations 3:21-24, ESV
As I raced toward the beach, I was racing towards hope. The mercy of the Lord was promised, it was a sure as the sunrise, and I needed to see it rise up out of the darkness before me.
I found a spot on some driftwood as I saw the first flecks of pink illuminate the sky.
“It’s coming,”my heart encouraged, “It will show up in all of it’s beauty just like it has so many times.”
How many times has God shown up for me? I have been pressed, yet never crushed for He has always sustained me. Yet here I am, waiting for the sun to rise.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. . . He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul.– Psalm 23:1-3, ESV
Here, sitting on the coast of the Pacific Ocean, my soul was restored. The sun came, in all of it’s beauty, to remind me that the Son had already risen. And in the uncertainty of all that is to come, I can rest in that.
I can rest knowing that I am being gently lead-through marriage, friendships, church life, and even through IVF choices and military life. God is still reigning. The sun has risen and His mercy is upon me today.
Here in the midst of my trials, He is with me declaring victory over the enemy. A victory that was declared before the dawn of time for this war, it’s already been won. His goodness and mercy pursue me, whether I’m sitting in the doctor’s office or on driftwood.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever. – Psalm 23:5-6, ESV
We are in such a similar situation, and my heart just breaks for you. It is becoming more and more likely that IVF (which we cannot afford) is our only option. We should know for sure sometime next week, after I have surgery. It hurts me to see others in the same situation, and I am hugging you from afar right now. Know that you are not alone in this, if that offers any small about of consolation.
❤️️Thank you for your kinds words. It is so comforting to feel support and unity in such an isolating situation. I just prayed for you. May God grant you peace and strength in the days to come. Finding out IVF was our only option was such a crushing day but He has been faithful.