Coping Through Heartache
Heartache is so much more than feeling bummed out or upset, it’s losing part of yourself. Our decision to not move forward with fertility treatments right now has left my heart feeling pretty battered and bruised.
The months of rollercoaster emotions hoping that this was *the* month only to be left crying in the bathroom were all for naught. My career choices (or lack thereof) that were designed around being a young mom, pointless. The Pinterest boards of cute kid stuff and the little t-shirt I got to announce our eventual pregnancy, a stab in my already bleeding heart.
I have never known heartache like this.
My life hasn’t been particularly challenging. In this way, I have been both blessed and ill-prepared for challenges. But when you lose a dream that is so fundamental to who you are you didn’t even recognize it as a dream, your identity distorts.
I have spent the last few months reeling from the distortions of who I was. I have tried to grasp something, anything, to give roots to who I am and a road to who I’m becoming. I have learned through this reeling that love, love is the only thing I have to grasp onto.
It seems trivial to say, but that is what keeps me grounded. My past, it’s rooted in love. The love of parents who modeled the joy of parenthood and inspired me to make it a priority in my youth. The friends who have supported and loved me through middle school’s bad hair choices, crushes and crushed hearts in high school, and the excitement that came with college. A husband who, from day one, has been the biggest advocate for my dreams and the future we were building together. Even my dogs have been a constant source of comfort and love.
