Coping Through Heartache
Heartache is so much more than feeling bummed out or upset, it’s losing part of yourself. Our decision to not move forward with fertility treatments right now has left my heart feeling pretty battered and bruised.
The months of rollercoaster emotions hoping that this was *the* month only to be left crying in the bathroom were all for naught. My career choices (or lack thereof) that were designed around being a young mom, pointless. The Pinterest boards of cute kid stuff and the little t-shirt I got to announce our eventual pregnancy, a stab in my already bleeding heart.
I have never known heartache like this.
My life hasn’t been particularly challenging. In this way, I have been both blessed and ill-prepared for challenges. But when you lose a dream that is so fundamental to who you are you didn’t even recognize it as a dream, your identity distorts.
I have spent the last few months reeling from the distortions of who I was. I have tried to grasp something, anything, to give roots to who I am and a road to who I’m becoming. I have learned through this reeling that love, love is the only thing I have to grasp onto.
It seems trivial to say, but that is what keeps me grounded. My past, it’s rooted in love. The love of parents who modeled the joy of parenthood and inspired me to make it a priority in my youth. The friends who have supported and loved me through middle school’s bad hair choices, crushes and crushed hearts in high school, and the excitement that came with college. A husband who, from day one, has been the biggest advocate for my dreams and the future we were building together. Even my dogs have been a constant source of comfort and love.
Love is my future. I might not know what tomorrow will bring. My Type A personality cringes even as I type at the reminder that my life is utterly unplannable right now. I had intended to dedicate the better part of my young adulthood to nourishing and raising my children. With that door at the very least on hold but, more likely, closed, I don’t know what pattern the rest of my life will follow. But I do know that I am loved. I am supported.Love is my future. I might not know what tomorrow will bring. But I do know that I am loved. I am supported. #InfertilitySucks Click To Tweet
I have a tattoo on my side that reads “Grace is sufficient.” It means even more to me today than it did that day it was inscribed. His grace, His love, it has carried me to this point and I know, with every fiber of my broken heart, that it will mend me and it will sustain me.
His love has met me in each and every moment and, even in the pain, I sense the comfort of the Holy Spirit. I sense Him in the church community that loves on me, in the family that supports me, and in the husband who stands by me through it all. I see it in the Scriptures when I read through the Psalms and I know that I am not alone, others have born heartache and come out the other end of the tunnel victorious.
May I, like the faithful before me, trust in God’s promises even if I only great them from far off.