What To Do When Other People’s Words Leave You Feeling Bad
Traci Rhoades is a fellow Protestant lover of the Church. Like myself, she has grealy enjoyed embracing traditions of the Christian faith that she did not grow up with and trying to piece together a fuller picture of what God intends for His people. Her wisdom never fails to stop and grab ahold of my heart. You can find her words below and, more regularly, on her site Traces of Faith.
I could tell by the way she repositioned herself in the chair across from me, I’d hit a nerve. We’d been talking about the choice we have to discount the negative words others spew on us. Accusations spoken. Snarky texts we read again and again. We don’t have to take on these hateful, harmful words, not even from our loved ones. For believers, it’s about more than channeling self-help, because we get to ask the Holy Spirit to help us with these struggles. Who needs the power of positive thinking when you can call on the God of the whole universe for assistance?
She spoke up, explaining her problem. “I know what I should do when my feelings are hurt. I surrender the situation to God in prayer, but I find myself still stewing over the hurtful words. It’s not easy to just get over it.”
We were in Bible study, seated among a group of women, and as you can imagine, we all wanted to help. It’s what women do after all. I told her about how I try to keep a teachable spirit, so the first thing I do is look for any truth I need to hear from the words. Even though I might not feel like hearing them, I ask the Holy Spirit to show me any helpful insight. From there, I gain some control. I can choose what parts of a conversation apply to me, and what parts are the responsibility of the deliverer. Maybe the words came out of their own bad day, or things they need to work on personally.
Another lady spoke about the times she feels a confrontation is warranted. Sometimes hard conversations need to happen. If so, she waits until her initial strong feelings have subsided. A calm conversation where you can relay your response to the hurtful words without adding fuel to the fire, so to speak. She asks the Holy Spirit to allow his fruit to work in the situation; love, patience, self-control… and the others we read in Galatians 5:22-23.
Our group offered some good advice, but I left feeling as if the conversation lacked a certain element of value. Our Bible study time should offer practical advice, and I could sense there was more to offer.
In the next few days, God revealed the larger truth. It is important to respond well when we feel hurt or frustrated. More important, though, is the health of our spirit before the hurtful words arrive. What kind of soil do these seeds of recrimination land on when they’re hurled in our direction?
Scripture tells us about the morning routine of Jesus.
In the early morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house, and went away to a secluded place, and was praying there. Mark 1:35 (NASB)Throughout the day, if I start to feel anxious, and my soul grows unsettled, I pray again. I’ll visualize putting on the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18), pray the Lord’s Prayer (Matthew 6:9-13), or recite the Jesus Prayer Click To Tweet
While I don’t always get up before dark, I too find a quiet place and begin my day with prayer. Then, with my second cup of coffee, I read my Bible. Throughout the day, I read articles and listen to music that keeps my spirit filled up. My friends and family lovingly support me. The community I surround myself with at church each Sunday recharges me as well. The list of intentional soul nourishment goes on and on.
Then, throughout the day, if I start to feel anxious, and my soul grows unsettled, I pray again. I’ll visualize putting on the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18), pray the Lord’s Prayer (Matthew 6:9-13), or recite the Jesus Prayer (Lord, Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner). Any way I can find to recenter my thoughts on God.
As I mature in my faith, I find if I cultivate enough loving words about my worth in Christ, I don’t have much space left for the harsh words of man.As I mature in my faith, I find if I cultivate enough loving words about my worth in Christ, I don’t have much space left for the harsh words of man. Click To Tweet
You might note how often I’ve used the word feelings in this story. They play a big part in our response to others, right? Disciplining yourself to be surrounded with the things of God before you start each week, before you start your day, before you respond to any situation, goes a long way in combating the influence feelings have over you.
That’s the advice we were missing. I can’t solve my friend’s issue of continuing to feel bad about the words she hears from other people. She likely will hear negative words again sooner rather than later. We all do. However, if her heart is already all filled up, if the fertile soil of her soul has been planted with loving words from her Savior, there won’t be room for the hurtful words to take root and grow.
My name is Traci. I live in southwest Michigan, somewhere in a triangular section connecting Kalamazoo and Grand Rapids with all things Lake Michigan. My husband and I parent one daughter. We have dogs, cats, ducks, pigs and chickens. Their number is always changing, as farm animal counts tend to do. I enjoy watching sports, reading, cooking and all things Bible study. I am a writer. When I first started blogging, I wondered about what unique voice I could bring. I’ve landed on this one line: A country girl goes to church.
Find more of Traci’s words here.
If you enjoyed this post, check out:
Pour Out Your Heart: How A Vulnerable Life Aids Spiritual Warfare
Why Your Tribe Needs to Include Women Who Don’t Know the Tribe Trend
Proverbs 31 Mornings: 6 Ways to Start Your Morning as a Woman of God
Sometimes it’s really hard to keep quiet and not say anything hurtful when you are hurt and mad but we really have to control ourselves because even if we don’t mean what we say, the feeling will stay and it may be the cause of another issue. It really takes a lot of self control and patience to be able to do that.
The cause of another issue… you’re so right. I’ve worked hard to discipline myself not to speak out of “feelings” but out of thought and discernment.
I love what you said here… ” if the fertile soil of her soul has been planted with loving words from her Savior, there won’t be room for the hurtful words to take root and grow.”….. SO powerful!
Zahra, Thank you for reading. I wrote this piece as a way to process something I felt like the Lord was teaching me. I’m learning beside you, and I agree, it’s powerful!
I loved reading this post. Words have never been more true. I try hard to keep any harsh words or thoughts to myself, and praying and reading scripture helps me a lot.
Those are both great, practical ways to keep the harsh words or thoughts from taking hold (or coming out). Time, removing feelings. It all helps!
Wonderful reminders. Thank you for sharing this. It can be so difficult to not get swept up in hurt feelings. I love the scripture you chose to focus on.
The thought of Jesus heading off to pray first thing in the morning is enough to give me pause. I’m thankful for the way focusing on him takes my mind off the things of this world.
Kat | katcharlesblog
My favorite line: “As I mature in my faith, I find if I cultivate enough loving words about my worth in Christ, I don’t have much space left for the harsh words of man.” So good and so true.
TraciKat | katcharlesblog
Fill me up Jesus, so there’s not room for anything else. We can change the world this way!
“What kind of soil do these seeds of recrimination land on when they’re hurled in our direction?” so good…….. Great article, Traci
Thanks Shelby! We all need a reminder to make sure we stayed filled up with the things of God.
There always seems to be the someone who says hurtful things. These are good ways to not let it hurt you.
Alexandra @ It's Not Complicated Recipes
I really appreciate you sharing this post –
It is something I tend to struggle with a lot. I like the idea of working on not letting the words hurt.
BaileyAlexandra @ It’s Not Complicated Recipes
I know I really struggle with it as well. I’m so grateful to Traci for sharing her wisdom.