My Little Babies In Heaven, Your Lives Mattered
This is the article I never wanted to write. I dreamed of an announcement with a little miracle baby onesie, I dreamed of twin pregnancies that would have given old ladies in church cause to laugh and warn me of the “double trouble” coming my way. Instead, my announcement is sharing that, while we are not parents of children we were able to hold in our arms, we are parents of four beautiful babies in heaven. Babies who were made in the Image of God and babies whose lives mattered deeply to us and to their Maker.
Here is my letter, my hello, goodbye, and expression of a mother’s love, to them.
My Dear, Precious Little Babies in Heaven,
I have dreamed about you all my life. A part of you, I have carried inside of me since I was born. I carried you through all the little years I spent playing dress-up and carting my little baby dolls around in their carriers. I carried you through high school, I watched others’ babies and dreamed of the day I’d hold my own. I carried you until last week when the doctor retrieved that part of you from me and the embryologist joined God in the mystical, beautiful work of fusing two together into a beautiful new life.
Then they called and told me there were four of you and I had no idea how it would feel to carry you in my heart without carrying you in my body.
I was terrified. I knew a lot of big, frightening, perilous steps lay ahead for you and I wanted to do everything I could to fix things perfectly.
But I was no longer carrying you and there was nothing I could do.
My friend reminded me that while I couldn’t control anything, I could rejoice that four little lives were created that would have never been otherwise. So rejoice I did for every minute of your lives.
My friend reminded me that while I couldn’t control anything, I could rejoice that four little lives were created that would have never been otherwise. So rejoice I did for every minute of your lives. #miscarriage #infertility… Click To TweetYour aunt and I cried because neither of us was prepared for how much we would love you and, oh, did we love you. I wondered whose eyes each of you would have and what sort of people you would become.
I went out on a celebratory shopping trip and bought a little, tiny newborn gown, covered in pineapples. Even with the fear, I knew I wanted something to hold tight and remember you by. And my little babies, I covered your little lives with so much prayer.
I prayed for your little forms, that they would grow strong. I dreamt of the men and women God would raise you up to be and prayed that your little lives would bring glory and honor to Him for every second you were on the earth. I praised God for the gift that you were and prayed that I would be wise in the days to come.
When the doctor pulled two of you up on the screen, the day of the transfer, I cried again. You were so beautiful. I never knew it was possible for little six and four cell beings to grip my heart so deeply. Up until this point in the process, people spoke of you in very scientific terms that felt very distant but there you were, my little babies, filling my heart.
You filled my heart because your lives, no matter how short-lived, matter deeply.
Your little lives have been a sign of our God’s mercy in making me a mother even if I never got to hold you in my arms. As I watched that screen and saw the doctor move your little, indescribably tiny bodies into the transfer catheter, all I could think was that I was witnessing the image of God in four little cells.
Your little lives have been a sign of our God’s mercy in making me a mother even if I never got to hold you in my arms. #infertility #miscarriage Click To TweetBecause even then, my little ones, He had marked you as His.
I cried yesterday when the doctor called and said that the other two of you, the ones I hadn’t seen, had passed before your heart even took a beat. I cried especially because I never even had the opportunity to see you.
A friend reached out, praising God for your little lives, and reminding me of the unspeakable joy that will be mine when the first time I behold you, my two little babies, will be in heaven. While I still grieve for you, I smile knowing that you are God’s and that He is holding you for me, loving us both, even now. His goodness and love were with you, even in that doctor’s office, for every day of your lives. And that same goodness pursues my heart even now.
When I heard, my little ones, that all of you had gone to be with your Maker, the world went dark.
And I cried. But even then, I praised your Maker.
I praised Him because even in this mess, I know He is good. I know He loves you even more than I do and I know that nothing He does is in vain. Your little lives were gifts from Him. No matter how short the time was, I’m grateful for that gift.
Your little lives were gifts from Him. No matter how short the time was, I’m grateful for that gift. #miscarriage #pregnancyloss #infertility Click To TweetI will love you forever and cherish every moment that you made me a mommy. Because you, my little ones, you were created by your Heavenly Father. Your days, though they were few, were filled with divine purpose. And even your lives mattered.
You might also enjoy:
Reclaiming Womanhood and Motherhood in the Midst of Infertility
I’m #Blessed Because I Grieve With Hope
Joy in the Midst of the Sorrow of Infertility
The Comments
Chioma
This is so brave of you. They are resting with the lord. Amen
Bailey
ChiomaThank you. It is such a comfort to know that the Lord holds them close.
Stephanie
What a beautiful tribute to your babies and to God’s love. Thank you for sharing such a personal and painful experience. My husband and I went through six years of infertility. I know how difficult it is, but I know that sharing your experience will help others.
Bailey
StephanieIt is such a hard road to walk, Stephanie. Thank you for sharing your experience. The stories of others have been such an encouragement to me and have led me to share mine.
Amy
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Reading this broke my heart. I will pray for you and your husband. Thank you for being brave enough to share your heartbreak.
Bailey
AmyThank you, Amy. Your prayers mean so much.
Created to Glorify
Bailey, I am so heartbroken that you never got to hold your babies, I can’t imagine what that is like. I am glad you are able to find comfort that your babies are in heaven. In a situation that honestly sucks beyond measure, you have had the most beautiful attitude.
Bailey
Created to GlorifyIt does suck. But God is good and has given us such beautiful hope in this mess.
Diane
This was so beautiful. As someone who has suffered miscarriage I can certainly relate to much of your story. Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us.
Bailey
DianeDiane, Thank you for sharing. <3 I hope that you can find some comfort in knowing you're not alone and that your little one mattered to God.
Tammie Grandon
Oh, honey! I am so sorry for your loss. My husband and I too have babies waiting for us in heaven to hold for the first time, six to be exact! I know your pain, sorrow and hope. Thank you for sharing your heart. We lost our precious ones from 1986 through 1990 and sharing your heart like this was just not done. I’m not sure I have really ever properly mourned my babies. Maybe we need a sweet remembrance ceremony, just my husband and I. Prayers and blessings to you, sweet Momma.
Bailey
Tammie GrandonTammie, I am so sorry for your losses as well. A remembrance ceremony sounds like a beautiful way to honor your little ones.
Kim
Oh, Bailey, my heart breaks for you. Someone I love dearly has walked this path, and my husband and I had 2 mid-term miscarriages. Thank you for your vulnerability. I know you’ve encouraged those who are hurting. I’m praying for you.
Bailey
KimI am so sorry, Kim. Thank you for sharing and for your prayers.
Kimberly
I am so sorry for your loss. Your post is very inspiring for others and very brave of you to share with the world. Thank you for allowing us to hear your story.
Bailey
KimberlyThank you, Kimberly. Your kindness means a lot
Jordan
This is heartbreaking and so beautiful. Thank you so much for writing and sharing <3
Bailey
JordanThank you for reading, Jordan.
Liz Chapman
What a beautiful way to pay tribute to your babies. Praying for you and your husband.
Bailey
Liz ChapmanThank you, Lisa.
Jennifer Love
This is beautiful Bailey. So thankful you got to share this in your own unique and beautiful way. I know there are many that can relate but have no way to honor their little lives publicly.
Bailey
Jennifer LoveJennifer, Thank you. I know I drew so much strength for the words of other and it’s my hope that others can read this and know they’re not alone.
Bethany
I’m so sorry about your loss. I too have loss babies and the grief and sadness is overwhelming at times. We have comfort knowing we will see our babies in heaven.
TheThinPlace
BethanyIt is overwhelming at times. I often feel like the saints in Hebrews 11 who greeted the promises of God from afar and had faith that it would come to pass someday.
Paulette
I’m so very sorry for your loss! I’m excited with you that you will see your babies again some day! I pray that God will allow you to be a momma again, with children who live in your house and share your daily life!?
TheThinPlace
PauletteThank you, Paulette. I appreciate your prayers so much.
Debbie Bravo
I love your heart Bailey. My heart grieves with yours.
TheThinPlace
Debbie BravoThank you, Debbie. <3
christicazin
Wow, what a powerful post. Inspirational and touching words. Thanks for sharing.
Bailey
christicazinThank you. It was a difficult one to write but it was the best way I knew to pray tribute to their little lives.