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The Thin Place

Why Did God Kill My Dream?

Last night, my preschool sister came over for a “sister sleepover,” excited for some one-on-one time with her big sister and a chance to play with the dogs. We scarfed down some Mackinac Island Fudge ice cream and she saw my prayer beads and asked what they were and if we could pray then went to brush her teeth. 

As she walked out of the bathroom, she squinted her eyes uncomfortably and asked, “Umm, why are there no kids here? Because you are like a mom and a dad but… no kids.” 

She awkwardly waited for a response to her question. I fumbled through and tried to come up with something to help her 4-year-old mind grasp why no little feet toddled alongside us but, I had nothing to offer her.

Because honestly, I have nothing to tell myself. 

Why are there no kids here? 

It’s the question that I have both sobbed in my prayers and quietly asked God in my heart. Why?

Why did God let me experience this pain? 

Why does the brokenness of the world, the pang of the Fall, strike even my life? Why did God give me a dream of a family, of motherhood, only to pull the rug out from under my feet? 

I’m left to either think that God is not sovereign or that God willingly let my dream shatter before my eyes. 

We all have dreams that have died, prayers that have gone understand, moments that leave us with single-word prayers, “Why?”

Psalm 94 begs the same question. 

O Lord, how long shall the wicked, how long shall the wicked exult? – Psalm 94:3

How long will God let injustice continue? How long will we cry out, begging for an answer? When will all be made right? 

Why Did God Kill My Dream? Click To Tweet

Why did God allow me to experience infertility? Why did God take all of my babies to heaven? Why does God allow the widow to live in grief, the child to live with hunger, and the nations to live with Earth-shattering war? 

Why? 

I want an easy answer.

I want to rattle off a Bible verse about all things working together for good but even that’s not enough. I want to answer the “why” fully. I want to understand in a way that makes the pain of today fade away because of the knowledge I have. 

But answers, whys, aren’t really what I’m looking for. And right now, they don’t satisfy me that way I expect them to. Because really? That’s not what they were intended to do. 

For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. – 2 Corinthians 4:17-28, ESV

There are no easy answers because we aren’t dealing with the good of this world, we are dealing with unseen whys that our invisible God answers in ways our broken minds and bodies are not equipped to deal with. 

There are no easy answers because we aren’t dealing with the good of this world, we are dealing with unseen whys that our invisible God answers in ways our broken minds and bodies are not equipped to deal with. Click To Tweet

And when we deal with unknowns, we simply have to cling to what is known, and what God has revealed to us. 

“For a brief moment I deserted you, but with great compassion I will gather you.” – Isaiah 54:7, ESV

In the moments when we feel deserted, when our hearts feel broken and shatters and emptied of all the questions that we long for answers to, we have to know that the broken pieces will be gathered up again. 

He is not indifferent, He will act with compassion on my behalf.

Why Did God Kill My Dream? #infertility #christianwoman #christianity #faith #devotional #hope

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So I will wait patiently, asking why God allowed my dream of being a mother to die, but trusting in what is unseen. But while I trust that God is good, I’m going to cling to the goodness that I know while also rejecting that I do not know. I know God is good, I know He is trustworthy, but I do not know why He does the things He does.

I can speculate, but speculation often leaves me angry at theoretical reasons, not comforted like I expected. 

Comfort comes, not from knowing the why, but from asking the why and being embraced by the One who knows the number of hairs on my head. Because while I may not answers, the One who does holds me, and assures me that all is well. He assures me that today’s heartbreak shall not last forever, and that more will come, and that more will be more that I can bear in the most beautiful way there is. 

You might also like: 

My Little Babies In Heaven, Your Lives Mattered

“Yes, but Not Yet” – God

Psalms: You Can Be Emotional With God

To Your Impatient Heart: His Promise is Still True

How To Turn To Jesus When You Feel Like A Hot Mess

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The Comments

  • Diane@worthbeyondrubies
    July 30, 2018

    This was such an amazing post. My husband and I have experienced this ourselves (I have children from a previous marriage but none together) and what you wrote really touched my heart.

    Reply
    • Bailey
      Diane@worthbeyondrubies
      July 30, 2018

      Thank you, Diane.

      Reply
  • sruszkowski
    July 30, 2018

    You really speak my heart. As a fellow infertility sister I know these thoughts and pains all too well.

    Reply
    • Bailey
      sruszkowski
      July 30, 2018

      It’s a hard road to walk. I have to keep trusting in the goodness of God rather than what I see

      Reply
  • Cayla
    July 30, 2018

    Wow, this is beautiful. I love your honesty, positivity, and TRUST in the One who created the Universe!

    Reply
    • Bailey
      Cayla
      July 30, 2018

      Thank you, Cayla. Trust in the Maker of the Stars is sometimes all we have to cling to.

      Reply
  • Rebecca
    July 31, 2018

    So very true and heartbreaking. It is the true embodiment of “break my heart for what breaks yours”. I love the line “and when we deal with unknowns, we simply have to cling to what is known”. So true. Thank you for your vulnerability. I’m so very sorry for your loss, I have grieved the loss . Prayers for you and your unknown.

    Reply
    • Bailey
      Rebecca
      August 3, 2018

      Thank you, Rebecca. I hope that God can give me a heart that mirrors His emotions when I face this broken, busted world.

      Reply
  • Thina Ngada Sunshine
    October 5, 2019

    Thank you every mich for your words????❤?????

    Reply
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Hello, I’m Bailey
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Hello, I’m Bailey

The Thin Place was born out of a season of struggle. A season where I felt stretched thin and desperately longed to see the goodness of God in the land of the living. The goodness of God showed up in unexpected ways. During that season, the spiritual disciplines laid out in Scripture, the traditions of the Church, and the reminders of His faithfulness seen in liturgial living and the feasts and seasons of the Church calendar all opened my eyes to the hope we have in Christ.

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Chances are, the Books of Maccabees are probably the deuterocanonical books you are most familiar with!  It is in these books that we find the origins of Hanukkah.
To be honest, they are a rough read. A really rough read. They detail the suffering the people of God endured while their enemies attempted to control their land and wipe out their religion. 
It is a set of books filled with great suffering as many of the faithful are killed but it is also a book of great bravery and trust in the Lord in the midst of trials.
In Maccabees, two of the theological principles used today are clearly seen. The first, that God created the world out of nothing. 2 Maccabees 7:28 details how God did not make the world out of things already created, but out of nothing. 
The second principle is that of praying for the dead. While there are references throughout Scripture and it is a clear practice of the Early Church, it is most clearly referenced in 2 Maccabees 12. 
#christianwoman #graceupongrace #jesusgirl #inspiredfaith #womenlivingwell #jesuscalling #faithfilledcaptions #catholicblogger #Catholicconvert #CatholicWoman #chasingsacred #christianwomenleaders #bibleverse #biblestudy  #christianblogger #faithinhim #proverbs31woman #faithful #Godisgood #encouragementgallery #godslove #christianposts #christianquote #prayer #prayertime
thethinplace
thethinplace
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Chances are, the Books of Maccabees are probably the deuterocanonical books you are most familiar with! It is in these books that we find the origins of Hanukkah. To be honest, they are a rough read. A really rough read. They detail the suffering the people of God endured while their enemies attempted to control their land and wipe out their religion. It is a set of books filled with great suffering as many of the faithful are killed but it is also a book of great bravery and trust in the Lord in the midst of trials. In Maccabees, two of the theological principles used today are clearly seen. The first, that God created the world out of nothing. 2 Maccabees 7:28 details how God did not make the world out of things already created, but out of nothing. The second principle is that of praying for the dead. While there are references throughout Scripture and it is a clear practice of the Early Church, it is most clearly referenced in 2 Maccabees 12. #christianwoman #graceupongrace #jesusgirl #inspiredfaith #womenlivingwell #jesuscalling #faithfilledcaptions #catholicblogger #Catholicconvert #CatholicWoman #chasingsacred #christianwomenleaders #bibleverse #biblestudy #christianblogger #faithinhim #proverbs31woman #faithful #Godisgood #encouragementgallery #godslove #christianposts #christianquote #prayer #prayertime
1 day ago
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1/5
Judith is another archetypal story of the battle being won at the hand of a woman, seen also in Judges and Esther. 
During the reign of Nebuchadnezzar, an army is sent to destroy the mountain town that Judith lives in. The people are greatly distressed and death seems to be the only option. Judith, a wealthy widow, trusts in the Lord and ultimately, kills the opposing military leader and brings peace to the people.
It is a story of God’s provision for His people in their exile through an unlikely source, a widow. In Judith, we see an archetype pointing to Mary and to the Church, waiting for her true Bridegroom. 
But it is also a story that points to the Lord’s desire to draw all nations to Himself! One of my favorite parts of the book of Judith is that it tells us of the conversion of a man who initially sets out to fight the Jewish people coming to believe in the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob. 
“And when Achior saw all that the God of Israel had done, he believed firmly in God, and was circumcised, and joined the house of Israel.” - Judith 14:10
It beautiful reminder that God’s deliverance is for all mankind. 
#proverbs31woman #proverbs31 #womenintheword  #virtuouswoman #godlywoman #godsgirl #christianliving #butgod #blessedandhighlyfavored #trustgod #daughteroftheking #walkbyfaith #daughterofaking #beautyfromashes #graceupongrace #dailydevotional #faithjourney #jesuslover #faithblogger #godisgood #graceoverperfection #michiganblogger #wordbeforworld #encouragingquotes #christianlife #christianencouragement
thethinplace
thethinplace
•
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Judith is another archetypal story of the battle being won at the hand of a woman, seen also in Judges and Esther. During the reign of Nebuchadnezzar, an army is sent to destroy the mountain town that Judith lives in. The people are greatly distressed and death seems to be the only option. Judith, a wealthy widow, trusts in the Lord and ultimately, kills the opposing military leader and brings peace to the people. It is a story of God’s provision for His people in their exile through an unlikely source, a widow. In Judith, we see an archetype pointing to Mary and to the Church, waiting for her true Bridegroom. But it is also a story that points to the Lord’s desire to draw all nations to Himself! One of my favorite parts of the book of Judith is that it tells us of the conversion of a man who initially sets out to fight the Jewish people coming to believe in the God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob. “And when Achior saw all that the God of Israel had done, he believed firmly in God, and was circumcised, and joined the house of Israel.” - Judith 14:10 It beautiful reminder that God’s deliverance is for all mankind. #proverbs31woman #proverbs31 #womenintheword #virtuouswoman #godlywoman #godsgirl #christianliving #butgod #blessedandhighlyfavored #trustgod #daughteroftheking #walkbyfaith #daughterofaking #beautyfromashes #graceupongrace #dailydevotional #faithjourney #jesuslover #faithblogger #godisgood #graceoverperfection #michiganblogger #wordbeforworld #encouragingquotes #christianlife #christianencouragement
2 days ago
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If there was any Old Testament book I would love to see made into a movie - it would be Tobit! It has everything! Despair! True love! Home remedies! Battles against demons! A quest to find the family treasure! It is truly a dramatic book. Like the book of Esther, it demonstrates God care for His people during their exile. 
Tobit is a narrative book. Like Job, it begins with a man who served the Lord but was met with misfortune so great that he begs the Lord to let Him die. At the same time, a young widow across the country is making the same request. God answers both of their prayers through the intervention of the angel Raphael who, in disguise as a man, helps Tobit’s son on a journey. It is a short, compelling story and, for that reason, it is a really great place to start if you want to read through the Deuterocanonical books.
There is also a beautiful contrast to Adam and Eve seen in the love story of Tobias and Sarah. Where one couple listened to devil and succumbed to temptation, we see the other stand firm in reliance on the Lord. This points us to the future coming of Christ and His defense of His bride, the Church.
#christianwoman #graceupongrace #jesusgirl #inspiredfaith #womenlivingwell #jesuscalling #faithfilledcaptions #catholicblogger #Catholicconvert #CatholicWoman #chasingsacred #christianwomenleaders #bibleverse #biblestudy  #christianblogger #faithinhim #proverbs31woman #faithful #Godisgood #encouragementgallery #godslove #christianposts #christianquote #prayer #prayertime #miblogger #michiganblogger
thethinplace
thethinplace
•
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If there was any Old Testament book I would love to see made into a movie - it would be Tobit! It has everything! Despair! True love! Home remedies! Battles against demons! A quest to find the family treasure! It is truly a dramatic book. Like the book of Esther, it demonstrates God care for His people during their exile. Tobit is a narrative book. Like Job, it begins with a man who served the Lord but was met with misfortune so great that he begs the Lord to let Him die. At the same time, a young widow across the country is making the same request. God answers both of their prayers through the intervention of the angel Raphael who, in disguise as a man, helps Tobit’s son on a journey. It is a short, compelling story and, for that reason, it is a really great place to start if you want to read through the Deuterocanonical books. There is also a beautiful contrast to Adam and Eve seen in the love story of Tobias and Sarah. Where one couple listened to devil and succumbed to temptation, we see the other stand firm in reliance on the Lord. This points us to the future coming of Christ and His defense of His bride, the Church. #christianwoman #graceupongrace #jesusgirl #inspiredfaith #womenlivingwell #jesuscalling #faithfilledcaptions #catholicblogger #Catholicconvert #CatholicWoman #chasingsacred #christianwomenleaders #bibleverse #biblestudy #christianblogger #faithinhim #proverbs31woman #faithful #Godisgood #encouragementgallery #godslove #christianposts #christianquote #prayer #prayertime #miblogger #michiganblogger
3 days ago
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3/5
The Book of Wisdom full of poetic principles and outlines how to live life well. Written around the time of the Maccabean revolt, it is written in the style of Solomon (and is sometimes referred to as “The Wisdom of Solomon”) but was written by later authors.
While this book was not accepted in the Jewish cannon, it is in every copy of the Greek Septuagint but it was quote by St Augustine over 800 times and, most importantly, was declared Scripture at the Councils of Hippo and Carthage. 
It focuses on Wisdom guiding the lives of the faithful, the follies of the wicked, and focuses heavily on our future home with God and the life to come. 
For those of you familiar with the Nicene Creed, the Book of Wisdom is one of the sources of inspiration of our description of Jesus Christ. The reference to Christ being “Light from Light” is taken from Wisdom 7:26 which refers to Wisdom as being a “reflection of eternal light.” 
There are also several passages in Wisdom which foretell the death of Christ. One of my favorite passages is Wisdom 14:7, “Blessed is the wood by which righteousness comes,” which reminds me how truly blessed is the cross which held the Savior of the world, our perfect Sacrifice. 
Wisdom is very similar to the book of Proverbs in length and style. It points constantly to the Lord who, as James tells us, is ready to give wisdom to those who ask. 
#bibletime #biblereading #readyourbible #proverbs31woman #proverbs31 #womenintheword #savedbygrace #virtuouswoman #godlywoman #godsgirl #christianliving #butgod #givemejesus #trustgod #daughteroftheking #walkbyfaith #beautyfromashes #graceupongrace #dailydevotional #faithjourney #jesuslover #faithblogger #godisgood #graceoverperfection #michiganblogger #biblescripture #catholicbible
thethinplace
thethinplace
•
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The Book of Wisdom full of poetic principles and outlines how to live life well. Written around the time of the Maccabean revolt, it is written in the style of Solomon (and is sometimes referred to as “The Wisdom of Solomon”) but was written by later authors. While this book was not accepted in the Jewish cannon, it is in every copy of the Greek Septuagint but it was quote by St Augustine over 800 times and, most importantly, was declared Scripture at the Councils of Hippo and Carthage. It focuses on Wisdom guiding the lives of the faithful, the follies of the wicked, and focuses heavily on our future home with God and the life to come. For those of you familiar with the Nicene Creed, the Book of Wisdom is one of the sources of inspiration of our description of Jesus Christ. The reference to Christ being “Light from Light” is taken from Wisdom 7:26 which refers to Wisdom as being a “reflection of eternal light.” There are also several passages in Wisdom which foretell the death of Christ. One of my favorite passages is Wisdom 14:7, “Blessed is the wood by which righteousness comes,” which reminds me how truly blessed is the cross which held the Savior of the world, our perfect Sacrifice. Wisdom is very similar to the book of Proverbs in length and style. It points constantly to the Lord who, as James tells us, is ready to give wisdom to those who ask. #bibletime #biblereading #readyourbible #proverbs31woman #proverbs31 #womenintheword #savedbygrace #virtuouswoman #godlywoman #godsgirl #christianliving #butgod #givemejesus #trustgod #daughteroftheking #walkbyfaith #beautyfromashes #graceupongrace #dailydevotional #faithjourney #jesuslover #faithblogger #godisgood #graceoverperfection #michiganblogger #biblescripture #catholicbible
4 days ago
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4/5
Until I read the entire Bible last year for the Bible in Lent challenge, I had never read most of the Deuterocanonical / Apocryphal books of the Bible. When I did this, I realized that, aside from a vague notion of Maccabees from Hanukkah books, I had absolutely no idea what the rest of the books contained.
For the next few days, we're going to do a little overview of each of these books in the Bible.
But first, why aren't these books in the Protestant Bible?
Like most of the divides in the Catholic and Protestant conversation, there is a lot of nuances. Luther’s own translation of the Bible included these books although he moved them to a separate section. They were also included in the King James Bible of 1611 and the Geneva Bible even though they were viewed as apocryphal or “outside of Scripture.” It was not standard even in Protestantism to exclude these books from the Bible printing until 1825. 
Essentially, there is a lot of historical evidence that the church throughout history considered these books a part of the Bible. But earlier in the Church, we see evidence of Church leaders such as St. Polycarp, St. Clement of Rome, Origen, St. Athanasius, St. Jerome, and St. Augustine,  affirming some or all of these books as Scripture.
It's clear that historically, believers have seen these books as beneficial so I hope you'll join me in looking at them this week!
#godsword #jesusislife #dailydevotion #shedelights #graceupongrace #godisfaithful #lordjesus #blessedisshe #biblestudy #trustinhim #catholicism #bible #jesuslove #christianposts #readyourbible #bibledaily #intheword #wordbeforeworld #bibleversedaily #gracemakers #christianwomenleaders #bibletruth #jesusisthereasonfortheseason #godlovesyou #prayerchangesthings #dailybibleverse #seekhim
thethinplace
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Until I read the entire Bible last year for the Bible in Lent challenge, I had never read most of the Deuterocanonical / Apocryphal books of the Bible. When I did this, I realized that, aside from a vague notion of Maccabees from Hanukkah books, I had absolutely no idea what the rest of the books contained. For the next few days, we're going to do a little overview of each of these books in the Bible. But first, why aren't these books in the Protestant Bible? Like most of the divides in the Catholic and Protestant conversation, there is a lot of nuances. Luther’s own translation of the Bible included these books although he moved them to a separate section. They were also included in the King James Bible of 1611 and the Geneva Bible even though they were viewed as apocryphal or “outside of Scripture.” It was not standard even in Protestantism to exclude these books from the Bible printing until 1825. Essentially, there is a lot of historical evidence that the church throughout history considered these books a part of the Bible. But earlier in the Church, we see evidence of Church leaders such as St. Polycarp, St. Clement of Rome, Origen, St. Athanasius, St. Jerome, and St. Augustine, affirming some or all of these books as Scripture. It's clear that historically, believers have seen these books as beneficial so I hope you'll join me in looking at them this week! #godsword #jesusislife #dailydevotion #shedelights #graceupongrace #godisfaithful #lordjesus #blessedisshe #biblestudy #trustinhim #catholicism #bible #jesuslove #christianposts #readyourbible #bibledaily #intheword #wordbeforeworld #bibleversedaily #gracemakers #christianwomenleaders #bibletruth #jesusisthereasonfortheseason #godlovesyou #prayerchangesthings #dailybibleverse #seekhim
5 days ago
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5/5
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